Breaking the cycle: raising emotionally healthy children by being present

I’m at the beach, sitting near a young woman and her child. The little boy, likely around three years old, is busy exploring the world around him while his mother lounges under an umbrella, engrossed in her phone. Behind them are the dunes, where climbing is prohibited to protect the environment. But the child doesn’t know this, and he begins walking toward the tempting “mountain” of white sand.

“Don’t climb on the dune!” the mother yells.
“Why, Mom?”
“Because I said so.”

The child stops in front of the dune, staring at it. He looks back at his mother, scratches his head, then starts toward the dune again.

“I said don’t! Didn’t you understand me?” the mother snaps.

The boy looks at her, confused. How can I understand, Mom, if you don’t explain why?

He sits down with a huff, crosses his arms, and starts playing with his toys. A few minutes later, he asks, “Mom, can I have an ice cream?”

“I can’t buy one right now because I don’t have any money with me. But if you’re good, I’ll get you one after lunch. Deal?”

“Yes, Mom.”

To many, this may seem like a typical exchange between a mother and her child. But in reality, the messages this mother is sending are harmful and will affect her child’s emotional development. Feelings shape our perception of the world, and this child is receiving messages that may damage his self-esteem and emotional understanding.

Children need explanations and guidance to feel safe and supported. To truly provide this, it’s important to be fully present with them. When you’re distracted by your phone or other devices, it sends the message that they are not your priority in that moment. Setting aside your mobile not only allows you to engage more meaningfully with your child but also models healthy behavior for them. Your attention is the foundation of their sense of security and belonging. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t correct their behavior—it means we should help them develop a balanced sense of right and wrong. Without this foundation, they may grow up feeling inadequate or unloved, and their ability to relate to the world may be impaired.

A child’s relationship with their mother significantly shapes their future relationships, both with others and with themselves. That’s why it’s crucial for parents to first address their own emotional well-being. Often, unresolved childhood issues affect how we parent. Without realizing it, these unresolved issues can lead to frustration, anger, and resentment, which then get passed on to our children.

If left unaddressed, these unhealthy dynamics can compromise not only your relationship with your child but also their relationships in adulthood, especially with the opposite sex. The patterns of dysfunction will continue unless you take conscious steps to break the cycle of generational pain.

But change is possible. You can stop the chain of emotional stress, anxiety, and discontent, and instead build a relationship with your child based on trust and understanding. This will lead to a healthier, more fulfilling life for both of you, and a positive legacy for future generations.

How can you achieve this?

Start by identifying the toxic behaviors and patterns you may have inherited from your own upbringing. Work on detoxifying yourself from these emotional obstacles to reveal the nurturing, wonderful mother within you.

Here are some steps to help you:

1. Reflect on your own childhood. What emotional needs—hugs, encouragement, acceptance—did you not receive? This is often the root of many parenting struggles.

2. Think about how your parents communicated with you—through yelling, dismissive language, or strict rule enforcement. Recognizing these patterns can help you avoid repeating them.

3. Pay attention to your child’s reactions when interacting. Instead of immediately reacting, take a moment to understand what they’re feeling. Encourage them to express their emotions, and share your own feelings with them in a way they can understand.

4. Avoid using guilt as a means of control. If you make your child feel guilty, they may pretend to behave just to please you, while harboring feelings of anger and resentment. Break this unhealthy habit and foster a genuine, stress-free bond with your child.

Implementing these tips can be challenging, but they are essential to stopping toxic behavioral patterns and creating healthy ones. The relationship you build with your child today is the foundation for their future, and it’s up to you to set the right tone.